I wonder...

[chani]

Who's reading this? Who usually reads my LJ entries ? I know this sounds very self-centred...but as I said once, LJ is a kind of mirror.  But I promise, I'll try not to be a diva much...

Actually it's frances_lievens ' survey about her 2 years anniversary and my own "the real me" post that made me think of my silent readers/lurkers and of my reading list.

And I can't really decide whether this LJ is ill ou bien portant.

First, the symptoms.

Based on the comments that are left in here, whether the posts are flocked or not, there are only few people from my flist, always the same, who seem to read my entries. 

I'm quite aware that LJ people (from my flist or not) can read entries and still not leave comments, for different reasons by the way, but at the end of the day it's like they are ghosts that I never see so they might not be there as well.

Secondly, an attempt to diagnose.

I am not complaining, simply wondering about the nature of LJ again. I didn't mean my LJ  to be a club of selected people ( "happy few" or "band of buggered"), because there are other ways like filters or chats and emails to connect to my closest Internet friends, but looks like it's slowly becoming one. So I wonder if some people feel outcast now like outsiders who should not intrude by leaving comments, or are too shy to do it or simply decided to stop reading it at some point...

I have 68 people on my flist and I confess that I don't read everything, and even when I do, I don't leave comments all the times. So I can imagine what it is for those who have either little time or a huge flist. But I'm pretty sure that I have commented , if not regularly, at least several times, on every LJ from that list. It's like calling people on the phone from time to time to say hi, it's like smiling to strangers in the street. And interactions suppose a bit of reciprocity sometimes.

I like social interactions and discussions, and I guess I still regret that LJ is not a forum. Mea Culpa, maxima mea...

LJ is paradoxically a small world so I know very well that some of those ghosts from my flist do "materialize" elsewhere, showing up on other blogs (I sound like a staker here don't I?). Of course they simply could be not interested in what I post here, which is something I totally understand.  Sometimes I even wonder if I would read myself !

But in regard to those who regularly post on LJ and have me in their reading list for a while but never comment, I really wonder why they keep me there. Why bothers? 

If they have a huge flist and simply friended me back to be polite because I friended them first, they should feel free to defriend me, I don't want to be like a constant spam on their friends page and I wouldn 't be upset if they defriended me, honest (except  Trekker because I begged her to friend me in order to get my Githan fix!). They may have made a mistake by friending me, or we have drifted apart. It happens, it's what makes us human.

Ok maybe they think that I still have potential and might post something interesting/worth commenting someday and are waiting for that miracle post ! :- )


But is there a treatment? Do I want one? Damn I screwed up my own analogy!

Please note that against all appearances, I'm not trying to make people de-friend me (because I would be punishing myself  for a few LJ went friends-only and being friended is the only way to read some insightful posts or great fictions ) or to make them feel guilty for not commenting, I'm just trying to analyze my LJ situation and to dissect LJ land with that analytical mind of mine.

 Anyway it's probably only my LJ regulars who will see this so they won't feel they are being got at ! But they can give me their insights on the matter still. Yes they can!

And if the ghosts from my flist or the lurkers see this, well I hope it won't scare them away! Sometimes words must be spoken to break the ice or dispel misunderstandings or make things...clean.

Waiting for mass defriending now....

 

If you're still reading, since we're in an introspective mode, here's a poll inspired by Proust's questionnaire, that jamalov29 posted a few days ago and that I answered in her flocked entry. I hope she doesn't mind my stealing it. Feel free to answer it here, it's time for you to de-lurk. I'd really like to know who your fabourite authors are....

Your favourite virtue : generosity

Your favourite qualities in a man : self-confidence, sense of humour, passion, intelligence.

Your favourite qualities in a woman : the same plus dignity and sweetness

Favourite qualities in friends : loyalty, constancy, empathy

Main flaw : stubborn.

Favourite occupation : reading.

Idea of happiness : I don't believe in a constant state of happiness. For me happiness lies in moments, some can be very simple and quiet, others can be grand and filled with joy.

Idea of misery : the death of loved ones.

If not yourself , who would you be? Either a medieval monk or a revolutionary.

Favourite authors (prose ) : Jorge Luis Borges, Proust, Gide, Alejo Carpentier, Dan Simmons.

Favourite authors (poetry) : Jorges Luis Borges, Virgil, Baudelaire, Musset, Poe, Shakespeare. 

Favourite heroes in fiction : Don Quixote, Paul Atreides, Spike, Kurt Wallander.

How would you like to die : with my eyes wide open.

Present state of mind : contemplative.

For what flaw have you most understanding : impatience.

Favourite motto : carpe diem but don't harm anyone while doing it.

ETA: The point wasn't to make anyone try to justify themselves for not commenting enough. I don't blame anyone and as I said I totally understand that they can't comment on every post they read since I don't myself. I was just trying to analyze the way things work on LJ through my own window and thus poking my possible readers to know who they were, if they were there still, especially the lurkers who aren't on my flist but might be there nonethless, and the the ones from my flist who had never commented or who hadn't commented for months.

Comments

[dawnydiesel.livejournal.com]

I'm here... I read everything and comment rarely. I have less and less time online everyday, it seems.

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Good to know I didn't lose you! Your remark about Midget being a mini-Crichton cracked me up. :- )

[elisi]

This is very interesting (as was your other post) - and I know exactly what you mean. Although I know that a lot of people friended me for my fic (*so* flattering!), so the fact that they don't comment much (or at all - I have several professional lurkers) doesn't bother me all that much.

But it's true that I have those 'talk' to every day and those I wave to once a month...

I really wish I had more time, but RL is (as always) calling me!

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Oh yes the fic-eaters (and I'm one too!)are a special category of "friends" but the feedbacks they leave may give some real connections and start good discussions.

As I said on a comment to so_sharlemaine in my previous post, sometimes it's like people just feast on LJ. Mmmm I feel a vampire analogy coming in! ;- )

How do you know that you have professional lurkers?

[syderia]

Your favourite virtue : loyalty

Your favourite qualities in a man : intelligence, understanding, empathy

Your favourite qualities in a woman : the same

Favourite qualities in friends : loyalty,understanding, curiosity

Main flaw : stubborn.

Favourite occupation : inventing stories

Idea of happiness : Gah... (Sorry, the theme we have in French/Philosophy this year is the pursuit of happiness). I think happiness is contentment with one's life and joy.

Idea of misery : being betrayed

If not yourself , who would you be? the advisor of a King back in the Middle Age

Favourite authors (prose ) : Alexandre Dumas, Emile Zola, Robert Merle

Favourite authors (poetry) : Paul Eluard, Victor Hugo

Favourite heroes in fiction : Edmond Dantès, D'Artagnan, Richard Rahl

How would you like to die : on my own terms

Present state of mind : nervous

For what flaw have you most understanding : losing one's temper

Favourite motto : Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Thanks for answering the poll.

Ah le stress d'avant concours...Courage!

[47-trek-47.livejournal.com]

I'm notoriously bad about not commenting... it's my greatest source of fandom shame, I must admit. *sighs*

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Hey I didn't expect you to comment this! ;- )

BTW you wouldn't need an idea to write a Githan fic?

I'm asking because yesterday I came across a rerun of BTVS and it was the end of "Life Serial" when Giles was giving Buffy that check and she compared him to her mom and he suggested she could rather use the idea of a "rakish uncle".

Suddenly that "rakish uncle" in Giles' mouth called Ethan to my mind...and then I thought of what I had just thought and realized that if Ethan was the rakish uncle therefore he was in Giles' mouth which led me to interesting visuals!

[sweet-lil-rach.livejournal.com]

I do read now and then - I sometimes don't read your film reviews because I either a) haven't seen it yet, or b) don't want someone else's view to taint my own.
I'm very bad at commenting - I don't have much time at the minute. I know it seems like a lame excuse, but when you wake up in the morning and there's 2 whole pages of new entries to go through, it's hard to comment on all or even some of them most of the time! and I don't spend even a 10th of the time online that I used to spend back in Buffy days!

But I do read what you write, even if I don't comment. So I hope that doesn't leave you feeling unloved or whatever - because I love my Chani! *smooch!*

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Oh I know you're rarely on LJ or online anyway...unless you're posting stuff under a filter and I don't see it! ;- )

Not feeling unloved, and not fishing for love either although love is always good and welcome, only voicing some thoughts I've been having for a while about LJ and trying to understand how this works by provoking people!

[lovablylolly.livejournal.com]

You are on my list because you are interesting. I like to read about other people. I like to see what I have in common with them and what I don't. I like to use what other people write as an opportunity for self-reflection.

As for not commenting, to tell you the truth you kind of intimidate me. You are so smart and you seem so self-assured. And I'm just bad at commenting.

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

First off, thanks for de-lurking.

I'm really surprised to hear what you said. So I guess this post had some merit at the end of the day.

I can't believe anyone could find me intimidating. Did you see my clumsy English and all the mistakes I made?

I wish everybody would be comfortable enough to intervene if they want to, whether it is to share things we have in common or that we don't. For instance here, the topic being LJ interactions, it's something that we all have in common and could discuss.

So please, don't hesitate!

[just-sue.livejournal.com]

Your favourite virtue : tolerance

Your favourite qualities in a man : humour, loyalty, honesty, kindness, neat butt (okay, last one just physical but...)

Your favourite qualities in a woman : honesty, empathy, humour, loyalty, kindness

Favourite qualities in friends : honesty, humour, tolerance

Main flaw : lack of confidence

Favourite occupation : after sex? LOL Writing fanfic or walking pooch.

Idea of happiness : Sharing something special with someone(s) special and recognising the moment for what it is.

Idea of misery : Not recognising happiness until too late

If not yourself , who would you be? Winner of the Cheltenham Gold Cup (the jockey NOT the horse!)

Favourite authors (prose ) : Guy Gavriel Kay, Andre Norton, Kelley Armstrong, Robin McKinley, Dick Francis, Juliet Marillier

Favourite authors (poetry) : Colin Wright (BiL), ummm

Favourite heroes in fiction : Spike, Buffy, Diarmuid, Sunshine

How would you like to die : at peace with myself

Present state of mind : thoughtful

For what flaw have you most understanding : anger

Favourite motto : Who dares wins

[syderia]

Hello, the name "Diarmuid" reminds me of something but I can't figure out where it comes from.

Would you mind telling me?

[beanbeans.livejournal.com]

I do read you as often as I can, Chani, because you always have interesting things to say about music, movies, politics, etc. I have been lousy about commenting, and I do apologize. I will confess to feeling shy sometimes and worrying that I won't fit in, and often I am self-conscious about voicing my opinions about politics and relationships and fandom things. But it doesn't mean I'm not reading, or that I don't like to hear what you say. I just... I... I guess I'm a bit of a wallflower until I get to know someone REALLY well.

I also often miss posts as my flist is really big. That's no excuse though and again, I apologize.

I do agree with you- I find that I am retreating more and more to IM and email, as it is becoming harder and harder to keep up with my flist with hectic RL schedules. Which is sad, as LJ had previously been a good way to connect with new friends.

I hope you will keep me, Chani. But if you defriend me because I haven't commented enough, I understand. It's your LJ and you should make it comfortable for you. Which I guess goes back to your original discussion...


Here are my answers to your poll:

Your favourite virtue : respect

Your favourite qualities in a man : sense of humor, respect, kindness, confidence

Your favourite qualities in a woman : the same

Favourite qualities in friends : honesty, respect

Main flaw : Low self esteem

Favourite occupation : yoga

Idea of happiness : those few fleeting moments of peace and clarity and calm

Idea of misery : my child hurting

If not yourself , who would you be? : I honestly dont know...Perhaps J.K, Rowling. :)

Favourite authors (prose ) : Anne Lamott, Simone De Beauvoir, Dennis Lehane, Jim Butcher, William Shakespeare, Truman Capote, E.M. Forester

Favourite authors (poetry) : ee cummings, Audre Lord, Yeats

Favourite heroes in fiction : Harry Dresden, Sherlock Holmes

How would you like to die : when I am very very old, and very ready

Present state of mind : tired

For what flaw have you most understanding : low self-esteem

Favourite motto : What is essential is invisible to the eye; it is only with the hear that one can see rightly.

Take care.
~beanbeans

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Oh beannie, don't be shy, let your hair down!

And if you believe yourself self-conscious about sharing your views on some topic I raise, just think of how awkward my posts in Enhlish are and of the silly coments I leave on your LJ.

And this post has never been about me defriending anyone for not commenting, only about trying to understand why they don't and about trying to know who still read my LJ. I'm certainly not defriending you, silly!

I just had to mettre les pieds dans le plat...

BTW your answer about your fav authors reminded me that I didn't post about the tv movie I saw the other day "Les amants du Flore". It was about Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoire, about the free relationship they had, but mostly about her.

[comava.livejournal.com]

I'm wondering where I stand now... I think I'm quite good at commenting generally but once I started thinking about it I wasn't sure when I last did so here. I mostly comment when I really have something to say, not just "Me too" or "I agree" or "I like this" sort of stuff. But I do read everything, I'm very good about reading my flist. I can't really understand why some people complain because I find it very interesting and I wouldn't have the flist I do if I didn't enjoy it, you know? I do use a filter from time to time but I always catch up on all of it in the end.

I see my flist as a sort of playground - there are my close friends, some people I'm nosy about, some whom I think are just amusing, some with good fanfic, communities with interesting stuff... I wouldn't say I'm good friends with all of them, they're all on my flist for different reasons. And now that I give it a bit of thought, yes, I certainly don't comment on every post from everyone.

And you are on my flist because you're my friend. I like reading your thoughts and musings. I certainly wouldn't defriend you because after following your blog for this long I would probably just stop by for updates anyway. I'm nosy like that!

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Welcome back btw!

I saw your post on Istanbul but didn't have time to comment then. As for being stared at by people, it's usual in countries from the Third World, especially for western women in Muslim countries or in countries where women aren't as free as we are. In India, not only they stare but they also wnat to take pictures of you as if you were some creature in a zoo!

It's annoying, I know. I even remember an evening in Istanbul where a bunch of young men we ran into (we were 4 women walking the streets past 10 pm)asked us "How much is it?" in Turkish (I could understand it then). I was furious.

But to be honest, when I was in Egypt I was also a bit shocked by certain outfits worn by European women, as if those tourists didn't want to acknowledge where they were just beacuse they were on holiday.

There's a balance to find for both the locals and the tourists.

[jamalov29.livejournal.com]

You stole my meme !! And now all those people ( who are also on my f-list ) are answering in YOUR journal !!!! It's not fair !

What kind of behavior is that , I ask you??! I'm defriending you immediately.
Do you realize the importance of your CRIME?
I usually don't read your posts .. today I did but how I regret it!!!!!

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Ohlala!

I knew that the whole thing was a terrible faux-pas!

*cries*

[jamalov29.livejournal.com]

Now for the serious answer. :)
It's true that there are people on each f-list that never interact with us, I think. I don't know why. At the beginning there were a few comments and little by little people don't have anything to say.

But I'm pretty sure that I have commented , if not regularly, at least several times, on every LJ from that list. It's like calling people on the phone from time to time to say hi, it's like smiling to strangers in the street. And interactions suppose a bit of reciprocity sometimes. Absolutely. You know , I have no explanation. I mean.. yes there are people with a very busy life and a huge f-list but why never let a single comment ? There is no good excuse according to me.
And if so , why keeping someone they seem to have no interest in?
Like you I tried to say something to each and every person on my f-list. When those persons don't even take the time to answer , I give up.
Reciprocity : that's the key and if there isn't reciprocity and exchange, why bother ?

I believe that each journal has its regulars and it's like a small gathering. It's true that I try to comment on each post some of my close friends make ( do I need to say that I regard you as one of them? ) . Of course I skip some entries ( and they certainly do the same ), but the real interaction is here and heartfelt.

Nevertheless there are people who NEVER bother and that's a bit sad. Defriending them seems wise and healthy, but not easy to do.

You're right in saying that there are lurkers/ghosts and I do think that almsot everybody reads the entries on their f-list (I do ) but they don't take the time - for different reasons - to comment.

Je t'embrasse.
Tu ne m'en veux pas pour le premier commentaire?!!

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Bien sûr que non!

*bisous*

[jans-intentions.livejournal.com]

I have a fairly hefty flist and I like seeing what people post and what they are up to, even if they never comment on my stories or do it semi-regularly. Some make an exception only for stories they really like, so I may hear from them once every 8 months or something. I think it's interesting to know what they like.

I'm quite happy with my flist now. I had a run of fair weather friends/fakes in early January who either never friended me or unfriended me, and I've seen them squabble with others on lj since then, which makes me feel bad for their other victims, but in a way sort of makes it less personal. I'm not responsible for the crappy/user behavior of the people, so I can feel very unruffled by it, if that makes sense.

I am cleaning my lj now but I only remove people currently who have never friended me, or I put into a filter anyone who has a pattern of unpleasantness or whom I need a break from. I don't want to read someone continually ranting about bad fic or whatever, so if they do it, I can filter them now and never have to read them without unfriending them. I'm quite ruthless about it, but it's my lj time and I'm not going to spend it wallowing in unpleasantness.

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Yes I guess that having a huge flist your perception must be a bit different. Mine is quite small, so the constant lack of comment is usually obvious.

Besides since you mostly post fanfictions on your LJ you must expect people to not leave feedbacks about pairings they don't read (like me who's faithful to Spuffy and "almost" never reads Spike being paired with anyone else, simply because I can't).

But what about you? What makes you leave comment on other LJ?

I am cleaning my lj now but I only remove people currently who have never friended me, or I put into a filter anyone who has a pattern of unpleasantness or whom I need a break from.

I don't even know how filters work! Do I have filters on my free account (not that I'm planning to put anyone into a filter but you got me curious)?

I don't want to read someone continually ranting about bad fic or whatever, so if they do it, I can filter them now and never have to read them without unfriending them. I'm quite ruthless about it, but it's my lj time and I'm not going to spend it wallowing in unpleasantness.

I'm not sure I understand you here. Are you saying that even though you don't unfriend someone, you don't necessarily read them? So the lack of comments from you would be a clue then, wouldn't it?

Yes it's me being all egocentric again and a bit paranoid probably...

[rahirah]

I'm one of the people who friend everyone back to be polite, In the early days I tried to read everyone on my flist, but it quickly became impossible.

I tend to read and comment most in the journals of people who are A) RL friends or people I've known across several internet fandoms B) people who are still actively posting about BtVS fandom, and C) people who comment in my journal. But a lot of the time, even when I'm only reading a small portion of my flist, I'm skimming desperately, trying to keep up, and there's no way I can answer every post I read.

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

It makes sense.

But suddenly I'm thinking (probably because you aren't on my flist for a long time)that as any kind of social interaction, LJ connections take time to grow, to blossom.

[candlelightfrot.livejournal.com]

Now who are you again? *scratcheshead*

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

:- P

[poshcat.livejournal.com]

Meep! I'm here. Most of the time I don't have the time or energy to comment on anybody's posts, but I do read everything. Even when I really enjoy what you're saying (I love your meta posts - and those lovely picspam posts, especially), sometimes it's easiest to keep quiet. I always comment in my head, does that count?

And...I have a filter, but never use it. I'm too worried I'm going to miss something good. :0)

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

*sends energy-filled vibes*

BTW Poshinette, can you explain to me what "meta" means?

There are still a few LJ words that I don't get...

[kazzy-cee.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about non comments - but I also find that sometimes I've friended someone because they asked me to ages ago, and I now find that I don't really have that much in common with them, but I'm not sure how to defriend without causing offence (boy, that was a looooooooooong sentence! LOL!).

I might do one of these posts and ask people if they want to defriend me....

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Yes I guess it's a sensitive matter...

[fraidycatx3.livejournal.com]

Your favourite virtue : kindness
Your favourite qualities in a man : Kindness, good sense of humour, empathy, sincerety, loyalty
Your favourite qualities in a woman : same as above

Favourite qualities in friends :same as above

Main flaw : too quick to anger

Favourite occupation : reading.

Idea of happiness : security

Idea of misery : the death of loved ones.

If not yourself , who would you be? freedom fighter, victim's advocate

Favourite authors (prose ) : too many to mention

Favourite authors (poetry) : Poe, Shakespeare, Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Favourite heroes in fiction : Owen Meany, Spike

How would you like to die : in my sleep

Present state of mind : tired and stressed

For what flaw have you most understanding : impatience.

Favourite motto : Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

PS sorry I haven't been commenting much, I'm just not feeling very talky lately

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Don't worry and don't apologize. I noticed you weren't online much these days.

I am not surprised that the Leo in you understands impatience!

Here's one of my favourite poems from Poe, "Alone":



From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Je lis tout ce que tu ecris, mais souvent je n'ai pas du temps de repondre. J'adore tes critiques des films.

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Merci!

Et je trouve que tu réponds déjà beaucoup.