I wonder...
Apr. 21st, 2006 12:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Who's reading this? Who usually reads my LJ entries ? I know this sounds very self-centred...but as I said once, LJ is a kind of mirror. But I promise, I'll try not to be a diva much...
Actually it's frances_lievens ' survey about her 2 years anniversary and my own "the real me" post that made me think of my silent readers/lurkers and of my reading list.
And I can't really decide whether this LJ is ill ou bien portant.
First, the symptoms.
Based on the comments that are left in here, whether the posts are flocked or not, there are only few people from my flist, always the same, who seem to read my entries.
I'm quite aware that LJ people (from my flist or not) can read entries and still not leave comments, for different reasons by the way, but at the end of the day it's like they are ghosts that I never see so they might not be there as well.
Secondly, an attempt to diagnose.
I am not complaining, simply wondering about the nature of LJ again. I didn't mean my LJ to be a club of selected people ( "happy few" or "band of buggered"), because there are other ways like filters or chats and emails to connect to my closest Internet friends, but looks like it's slowly becoming one. So I wonder if some people feel outcast now like outsiders who should not intrude by leaving comments, or are too shy to do it or simply decided to stop reading it at some point...
I have 68 people on my flist and I confess that I don't read everything, and even when I do, I don't leave comments all the times. So I can imagine what it is for those who have either little time or a huge flist. But I'm pretty sure that I have commented , if not regularly, at least several times, on every LJ from that list. It's like calling people on the phone from time to time to say hi, it's like smiling to strangers in the street. And interactions suppose a bit of reciprocity sometimes.
I like social interactions and discussions, and I guess I still regret that LJ is not a forum. Mea Culpa, maxima mea...
LJ is paradoxically a small world so I know very well that some of those ghosts from my flist do "materialize" elsewhere, showing up on other blogs (I sound like a staker here don't I?). Of course they simply could be not interested in what I post here, which is something I totally understand. Sometimes I even wonder if I would read myself !
But in regard to those who regularly post on LJ and have me in their reading list for a while but never comment, I really wonder why they keep me there. Why bothers?
If they have a huge flist and simply friended me back to be polite because I friended them first, they should feel free to defriend me, I don't want to be like a constant spam on their friends page and I wouldn 't be upset if they defriended me, honest (except Trekker because I begged her to friend me in order to get my Githan fix!). They may have made a mistake by friending me, or we have drifted apart. It happens, it's what makes us human.
Ok maybe they think that I still have potential and might post something interesting/worth commenting someday and are waiting for that miracle post ! :- )
But is there a treatment? Do I want one? Damn I screwed up my own analogy!
Please note that against all appearances, I'm not trying to make people de-friend me (because I would be punishing myself for a few LJ went friends-only and being friended is the only way to read some insightful posts or great fictions ) or to make them feel guilty for not commenting, I'm just trying to analyze my LJ situation and to dissect LJ land with that analytical mind of mine.
Anyway it's probably only my LJ regulars who will see this so they won't feel they are being got at ! But they can give me their insights on the matter still. Yes they can!
And if the ghosts from my flist or the lurkers see this, well I hope it won't scare them away! Sometimes words must be spoken to break the ice or dispel misunderstandings or make things...clean.
Waiting for mass defriending now....
Based on the comments that are left in here, whether the posts are flocked or not, there are only few people from my flist, always the same, who seem to read my entries.
I'm quite aware that LJ people (from my flist or not) can read entries and still not leave comments, for different reasons by the way, but at the end of the day it's like they are ghosts that I never see so they might not be there as well.
Secondly, an attempt to diagnose.
I am not complaining, simply wondering about the nature of LJ again. I didn't mean my LJ to be a club of selected people ( "happy few" or "band of buggered"), because there are other ways like filters or chats and emails to connect to my closest Internet friends, but looks like it's slowly becoming one. So I wonder if some people feel outcast now like outsiders who should not intrude by leaving comments, or are too shy to do it or simply decided to stop reading it at some point...
I have 68 people on my flist and I confess that I don't read everything, and even when I do, I don't leave comments all the times. So I can imagine what it is for those who have either little time or a huge flist. But I'm pretty sure that I have commented , if not regularly, at least several times, on every LJ from that list. It's like calling people on the phone from time to time to say hi, it's like smiling to strangers in the street. And interactions suppose a bit of reciprocity sometimes.
I like social interactions and discussions, and I guess I still regret that LJ is not a forum. Mea Culpa, maxima mea...
LJ is paradoxically a small world so I know very well that some of those ghosts from my flist do "materialize" elsewhere, showing up on other blogs (I sound like a staker here don't I?). Of course they simply could be not interested in what I post here, which is something I totally understand. Sometimes I even wonder if I would read myself !
But in regard to those who regularly post on LJ and have me in their reading list for a while but never comment, I really wonder why they keep me there. Why bothers?
If they have a huge flist and simply friended me back to be polite because I friended them first, they should feel free to defriend me, I don't want to be like a constant spam on their friends page and I wouldn 't be upset if they defriended me, honest (except Trekker because I begged her to friend me in order to get my Githan fix!). They may have made a mistake by friending me, or we have drifted apart. It happens, it's what makes us human.
Ok maybe they think that I still have potential and might post something interesting/worth commenting someday and are waiting for that miracle post ! :- )
But is there a treatment? Do I want one? Damn I screwed up my own analogy!
Please note that against all appearances, I'm not trying to make people de-friend me (because I would be punishing myself for a few LJ went friends-only and being friended is the only way to read some insightful posts or great fictions ) or to make them feel guilty for not commenting, I'm just trying to analyze my LJ situation and to dissect LJ land with that analytical mind of mine.
Anyway it's probably only my LJ regulars who will see this so they won't feel they are being got at ! But they can give me their insights on the matter still. Yes they can!
And if the ghosts from my flist or the lurkers see this, well I hope it won't scare them away! Sometimes words must be spoken to break the ice or dispel misunderstandings or make things...clean.
Waiting for mass defriending now....
If you're still reading, since we're in an introspective mode, here's a poll inspired by Proust's questionnaire, that
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Your favourite virtue : generosity
Your favourite qualities in a man : self-confidence, sense of humour, passion, intelligence.
Your favourite qualities in a woman : the same plus dignity and sweetness
Favourite qualities in friends : loyalty, constancy, empathy
Main flaw : stubborn.
Favourite occupation : reading.
Idea of happiness : I don't believe in a constant state of happiness. For me happiness lies in moments, some can be very simple and quiet, others can be grand and filled with joy.
Idea of misery : the death of loved ones.
If not yourself , who would you be? Either a medieval monk or a revolutionary.
Favourite authors (prose ) : Jorge Luis Borges, Proust, Gide, Alejo Carpentier, Dan Simmons.
Favourite authors (poetry) : Jorges Luis Borges, Virgil, Baudelaire, Musset, Poe, Shakespeare.
Favourite heroes in fiction : Don Quixote, Paul Atreides, Spike, Kurt Wallander.
How would you like to die : with my eyes wide open.
Present state of mind : contemplative.
For what flaw have you most understanding : impatience.
Favourite motto : carpe diem but don't harm anyone while doing it.
Your favourite qualities in a man : self-confidence, sense of humour, passion, intelligence.
Your favourite qualities in a woman : the same plus dignity and sweetness
Favourite qualities in friends : loyalty, constancy, empathy
Main flaw : stubborn.
Favourite occupation : reading.
Idea of happiness : I don't believe in a constant state of happiness. For me happiness lies in moments, some can be very simple and quiet, others can be grand and filled with joy.
Idea of misery : the death of loved ones.
If not yourself , who would you be? Either a medieval monk or a revolutionary.
Favourite authors (prose ) : Jorge Luis Borges, Proust, Gide, Alejo Carpentier, Dan Simmons.
Favourite authors (poetry) : Jorges Luis Borges, Virgil, Baudelaire, Musset, Poe, Shakespeare.
Favourite heroes in fiction : Don Quixote, Paul Atreides, Spike, Kurt Wallander.
How would you like to die : with my eyes wide open.
Present state of mind : contemplative.
For what flaw have you most understanding : impatience.
Favourite motto : carpe diem but don't harm anyone while doing it.
ETA: The point wasn't to make anyone try to justify themselves for not commenting enough. I don't blame anyone and as I said I totally understand that they can't comment on every post they read since I don't myself. I was just trying to analyze the way things work on LJ through my own window and thus poking my possible readers to know who they were, if they were there still, especially the lurkers who aren't on my flist but might be there nonethless, and the the ones from my flist who had never commented or who hadn't commented for months.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 12:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 12:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 12:24 pm (UTC)But it's true that I have those 'talk' to every day and those I wave to once a month...
I really wish I had more time, but RL is (as always) calling me!
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 12:32 pm (UTC)As I said on a comment to so_sharlemaine in my previous post, sometimes it's like people just feast on LJ. Mmmm I feel a vampire analogy coming in! ;- )
How do you know that you have professional lurkers?
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 12:32 pm (UTC)Your favourite qualities in a man : intelligence, understanding, empathy
Your favourite qualities in a woman : the same
Favourite qualities in friends : loyalty,understanding, curiosity
Main flaw : stubborn.
Favourite occupation : inventing stories
Idea of happiness : Gah... (Sorry, the theme we have in French/Philosophy this year is the pursuit of happiness). I think happiness is contentment with one's life and joy.
Idea of misery : being betrayed
If not yourself , who would you be? the advisor of a King back in the Middle Age
Favourite authors (prose ) : Alexandre Dumas, Emile Zola, Robert Merle
Favourite authors (poetry) : Paul Eluard, Victor Hugo
Favourite heroes in fiction : Edmond Dantès, D'Artagnan, Richard Rahl
How would you like to die : on my own terms
Present state of mind : nervous
For what flaw have you most understanding : losing one's temper
Favourite motto : Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 12:46 pm (UTC)Ah le stress d'avant concours...Courage!
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 12:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 12:43 pm (UTC)BTW you wouldn't need an idea to write a Githan fic?
I'm asking because yesterday I came across a rerun of BTVS and it was the end of "Life Serial" when Giles was giving Buffy that check and she compared him to her mom and he suggested she could rather use the idea of a "rakish uncle".
Suddenly that "rakish uncle" in Giles' mouth called Ethan to my mind...and then I thought of what I had just thought and realized that if Ethan was the rakish uncle therefore he was in Giles' mouth which led me to interesting visuals!
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 01:15 pm (UTC)I'm very bad at commenting - I don't have much time at the minute. I know it seems like a lame excuse, but when you wake up in the morning and there's 2 whole pages of new entries to go through, it's hard to comment on all or even some of them most of the time! and I don't spend even a 10th of the time online that I used to spend back in Buffy days!
But I do read what you write, even if I don't comment. So I hope that doesn't leave you feeling unloved or whatever - because I love my Chani! *smooch!*
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 02:49 pm (UTC)Not feeling unloved, and not fishing for love either although love is always good and welcome, only voicing some thoughts I've been having for a while about LJ and trying to understand how this works by provoking people!
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 01:28 pm (UTC)As for not commenting, to tell you the truth you kind of intimidate me. You are so smart and you seem so self-assured. And I'm just bad at commenting.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 02:59 pm (UTC)I'm really surprised to hear what you said. So I guess this post had some merit at the end of the day.
I can't believe anyone could find me intimidating. Did you see my clumsy English and all the mistakes I made?
I wish everybody would be comfortable enough to intervene if they want to, whether it is to share things we have in common or that we don't. For instance here, the topic being LJ interactions, it's something that we all have in common and could discuss.
So please, don't hesitate!
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 02:27 pm (UTC)Your favourite qualities in a man : humour, loyalty, honesty, kindness, neat butt (okay, last one just physical but...)
Your favourite qualities in a woman : honesty, empathy, humour, loyalty, kindness
Favourite qualities in friends : honesty, humour, tolerance
Main flaw : lack of confidence
Favourite occupation : after sex? LOL Writing fanfic or walking pooch.
Idea of happiness : Sharing something special with someone(s) special and recognising the moment for what it is.
Idea of misery : Not recognising happiness until too late
If not yourself , who would you be? Winner of the Cheltenham Gold Cup (the jockey NOT the horse!)
Favourite authors (prose ) : Guy Gavriel Kay, Andre Norton, Kelley Armstrong, Robin McKinley, Dick Francis, Juliet Marillier
Favourite authors (poetry) : Colin Wright (BiL), ummm
Favourite heroes in fiction : Spike, Buffy, Diarmuid, Sunshine
How would you like to die : at peace with myself
Present state of mind : thoughtful
For what flaw have you most understanding : anger
Favourite motto : Who dares wins
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 02:45 pm (UTC)Would you mind telling me?
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 02:36 pm (UTC)I also often miss posts as my flist is really big. That's no excuse though and again, I apologize.
I do agree with you- I find that I am retreating more and more to IM and email, as it is becoming harder and harder to keep up with my flist with hectic RL schedules. Which is sad, as LJ had previously been a good way to connect with new friends.
I hope you will keep me, Chani. But if you defriend me because I haven't commented enough, I understand. It's your LJ and you should make it comfortable for you. Which I guess goes back to your original discussion...
Here are my answers to your poll:
Your favourite virtue : respect
Your favourite qualities in a man : sense of humor, respect, kindness, confidence
Your favourite qualities in a woman : the same
Favourite qualities in friends : honesty, respect
Main flaw : Low self esteem
Favourite occupation : yoga
Idea of happiness : those few fleeting moments of peace and clarity and calm
Idea of misery : my child hurting
If not yourself , who would you be? : I honestly dont know...Perhaps J.K, Rowling. :)
Favourite authors (prose ) : Anne Lamott, Simone De Beauvoir, Dennis Lehane, Jim Butcher, William Shakespeare, Truman Capote, E.M. Forester
Favourite authors (poetry) : ee cummings, Audre Lord, Yeats
Favourite heroes in fiction : Harry Dresden, Sherlock Holmes
How would you like to die : when I am very very old, and very ready
Present state of mind : tired
For what flaw have you most understanding : low self-esteem
Favourite motto : What is essential is invisible to the eye; it is only with the hear that one can see rightly.
Take care.
~beanbeans
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 03:22 pm (UTC)And if you believe yourself self-conscious about sharing your views on some topic I raise, just think of how awkward my posts in Enhlish are and of the silly coments I leave on your LJ.
And this post has never been about me defriending anyone for not commenting, only about trying to understand why they don't and about trying to know who still read my LJ. I'm certainly not defriending you, silly!
I just had to mettre les pieds dans le plat...
BTW your answer about your fav authors reminded me that I didn't post about the tv movie I saw the other day "Les amants du Flore". It was about Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoire, about the free relationship they had, but mostly about her.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 02:40 pm (UTC)I see my flist as a sort of playground - there are my close friends, some people I'm nosy about, some whom I think are just amusing, some with good fanfic, communities with interesting stuff... I wouldn't say I'm good friends with all of them, they're all on my flist for different reasons. And now that I give it a bit of thought, yes, I certainly don't comment on every post from everyone.
And you are on my flist because you're my friend. I like reading your thoughts and musings. I certainly wouldn't defriend you because after following your blog for this long I would probably just stop by for updates anyway. I'm nosy like that!
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 03:34 pm (UTC)I saw your post on Istanbul but didn't have time to comment then. As for being stared at by people, it's usual in countries from the Third World, especially for western women in Muslim countries or in countries where women aren't as free as we are. In India, not only they stare but they also wnat to take pictures of you as if you were some creature in a zoo!
It's annoying, I know. I even remember an evening in Istanbul where a bunch of young men we ran into (we were 4 women walking the streets past 10 pm)asked us "How much is it?" in Turkish (I could understand it then). I was furious.
But to be honest, when I was in Egypt I was also a bit shocked by certain outfits worn by European women, as if those tourists didn't want to acknowledge where they were just beacuse they were on holiday.
There's a balance to find for both the locals and the tourists.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 03:15 pm (UTC)What kind of behavior is that , I ask you??! I'm defriending you immediately.
Do you realize the importance of your CRIME?
I usually don't read your posts .. today I did but how I regret it!!!!!
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 03:24 pm (UTC)I knew that the whole thing was a terrible faux-pas!
*cries*
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 03:30 pm (UTC)It's true that there are people on each f-list that never interact with us, I think. I don't know why. At the beginning there were a few comments and little by little people don't have anything to say.
But I'm pretty sure that I have commented , if not regularly, at least several times, on every LJ from that list. It's like calling people on the phone from time to time to say hi, it's like smiling to strangers in the street. And interactions suppose a bit of reciprocity sometimes. Absolutely. You know , I have no explanation. I mean.. yes there are people with a very busy life and a huge f-list but why never let a single comment ? There is no good excuse according to me.
And if so , why keeping someone they seem to have no interest in?
Like you I tried to say something to each and every person on my f-list. When those persons don't even take the time to answer , I give up.
Reciprocity : that's the key and if there isn't reciprocity and exchange, why bother ?
I believe that each journal has its regulars and it's like a small gathering. It's true that I try to comment on each post some of my close friends make ( do I need to say that I regard you as one of them? ) . Of course I skip some entries ( and they certainly do the same ), but the real interaction is here and heartfelt.
Nevertheless there are people who NEVER bother and that's a bit sad. Defriending them seems wise and healthy, but not easy to do.
You're right in saying that there are lurkers/ghosts and I do think that almsot everybody reads the entries on their f-list (I do ) but they don't take the time - for different reasons - to comment.
Je t'embrasse.
Tu ne m'en veux pas pour le premier commentaire?!!
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 03:42 pm (UTC)*bisous*
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 03:37 pm (UTC)I'm quite happy with my flist now. I had a run of fair weather friends/fakes in early January who either never friended me or unfriended me, and I've seen them squabble with others on lj since then, which makes me feel bad for their other victims, but in a way sort of makes it less personal. I'm not responsible for the crappy/user behavior of the people, so I can feel very unruffled by it, if that makes sense.
I am cleaning my lj now but I only remove people currently who have never friended me, or I put into a filter anyone who has a pattern of unpleasantness or whom I need a break from. I don't want to read someone continually ranting about bad fic or whatever, so if they do it, I can filter them now and never have to read them without unfriending them. I'm quite ruthless about it, but it's my lj time and I'm not going to spend it wallowing in unpleasantness.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 03:56 pm (UTC)Besides since you mostly post fanfictions on your LJ you must expect people to not leave feedbacks about pairings they don't read (like me who's faithful to Spuffy and "almost" never reads Spike being paired with anyone else, simply because I can't).
But what about you? What makes you leave comment on other LJ?
I am cleaning my lj now but I only remove people currently who have never friended me, or I put into a filter anyone who has a pattern of unpleasantness or whom I need a break from.
I don't even know how filters work! Do I have filters on my free account (not that I'm planning to put anyone into a filter but you got me curious)?
I don't want to read someone continually ranting about bad fic or whatever, so if they do it, I can filter them now and never have to read them without unfriending them. I'm quite ruthless about it, but it's my lj time and I'm not going to spend it wallowing in unpleasantness.
I'm not sure I understand you here. Are you saying that even though you don't unfriend someone, you don't necessarily read them? So the lack of comments from you would be a clue then, wouldn't it?
Yes it's me being all egocentric again and a bit paranoid probably...
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 04:06 pm (UTC)I tend to read and comment most in the journals of people who are A) RL friends or people I've known across several internet fandoms B) people who are still actively posting about BtVS fandom, and C) people who comment in my journal. But a lot of the time, even when I'm only reading a small portion of my flist, I'm skimming desperately, trying to keep up, and there's no way I can answer every post I read.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 08:07 pm (UTC)But suddenly I'm thinking (probably because you aren't on my flist for a long time)that as any kind of social interaction, LJ connections take time to grow, to blossom.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 04:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 04:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 04:18 pm (UTC)And...I have a filter, but never use it. I'm too worried I'm going to miss something good. :0)
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 04:24 pm (UTC)BTW Poshinette, can you explain to me what "meta" means?
There are still a few LJ words that I don't get...
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 04:45 pm (UTC)I might do one of these posts and ask people if they want to defriend me....
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 07:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 11:05 pm (UTC)Your favourite qualities in a man : Kindness, good sense of humour, empathy, sincerety, loyalty
Your favourite qualities in a woman : same as above
Favourite qualities in friends :same as above
Main flaw : too quick to anger
Favourite occupation : reading.
Idea of happiness : security
Idea of misery : the death of loved ones.
If not yourself , who would you be? freedom fighter, victim's advocate
Favourite authors (prose ) : too many to mention
Favourite authors (poetry) : Poe, Shakespeare, Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Favourite heroes in fiction : Owen Meany, Spike
How would you like to die : in my sleep
Present state of mind : tired and stressed
For what flaw have you most understanding : impatience.
Favourite motto : Do unto others as you would have them do unto you
PS sorry I haven't been commenting much, I'm just not feeling very talky lately
no subject
Date: 2006-04-22 10:06 am (UTC)I am not surprised that the Leo in you understands impatience!
Here's one of my favourite poems from Poe, "Alone":
From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2006-04-22 07:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-22 10:07 am (UTC)Et je trouve que tu réponds déjà beaucoup.