I wonder...

[chani]

Who's reading this? Who usually reads my LJ entries ? I know this sounds very self-centred...but as I said once, LJ is a kind of mirror.  But I promise, I'll try not to be a diva much...

Actually it's frances_lievens ' survey about her 2 years anniversary and my own "the real me" post that made me think of my silent readers/lurkers and of my reading list.

And I can't really decide whether this LJ is ill ou bien portant.

First, the symptoms.

Based on the comments that are left in here, whether the posts are flocked or not, there are only few people from my flist, always the same, who seem to read my entries. 

I'm quite aware that LJ people (from my flist or not) can read entries and still not leave comments, for different reasons by the way, but at the end of the day it's like they are ghosts that I never see so they might not be there as well.

Secondly, an attempt to diagnose.

I am not complaining, simply wondering about the nature of LJ again. I didn't mean my LJ  to be a club of selected people ( "happy few" or "band of buggered"), because there are other ways like filters or chats and emails to connect to my closest Internet friends, but looks like it's slowly becoming one. So I wonder if some people feel outcast now like outsiders who should not intrude by leaving comments, or are too shy to do it or simply decided to stop reading it at some point...

I have 68 people on my flist and I confess that I don't read everything, and even when I do, I don't leave comments all the times. So I can imagine what it is for those who have either little time or a huge flist. But I'm pretty sure that I have commented , if not regularly, at least several times, on every LJ from that list. It's like calling people on the phone from time to time to say hi, it's like smiling to strangers in the street. And interactions suppose a bit of reciprocity sometimes.

I like social interactions and discussions, and I guess I still regret that LJ is not a forum. Mea Culpa, maxima mea...

LJ is paradoxically a small world so I know very well that some of those ghosts from my flist do "materialize" elsewhere, showing up on other blogs (I sound like a staker here don't I?). Of course they simply could be not interested in what I post here, which is something I totally understand.  Sometimes I even wonder if I would read myself !

But in regard to those who regularly post on LJ and have me in their reading list for a while but never comment, I really wonder why they keep me there. Why bothers? 

If they have a huge flist and simply friended me back to be polite because I friended them first, they should feel free to defriend me, I don't want to be like a constant spam on their friends page and I wouldn 't be upset if they defriended me, honest (except  Trekker because I begged her to friend me in order to get my Githan fix!). They may have made a mistake by friending me, or we have drifted apart. It happens, it's what makes us human.

Ok maybe they think that I still have potential and might post something interesting/worth commenting someday and are waiting for that miracle post ! :- )


But is there a treatment? Do I want one? Damn I screwed up my own analogy!

Please note that against all appearances, I'm not trying to make people de-friend me (because I would be punishing myself  for a few LJ went friends-only and being friended is the only way to read some insightful posts or great fictions ) or to make them feel guilty for not commenting, I'm just trying to analyze my LJ situation and to dissect LJ land with that analytical mind of mine.

 Anyway it's probably only my LJ regulars who will see this so they won't feel they are being got at ! But they can give me their insights on the matter still. Yes they can!

And if the ghosts from my flist or the lurkers see this, well I hope it won't scare them away! Sometimes words must be spoken to break the ice or dispel misunderstandings or make things...clean.

Waiting for mass defriending now....

 

If you're still reading, since we're in an introspective mode, here's a poll inspired by Proust's questionnaire, that jamalov29 posted a few days ago and that I answered in her flocked entry. I hope she doesn't mind my stealing it. Feel free to answer it here, it's time for you to de-lurk. I'd really like to know who your fabourite authors are....

Your favourite virtue : generosity

Your favourite qualities in a man : self-confidence, sense of humour, passion, intelligence.

Your favourite qualities in a woman : the same plus dignity and sweetness

Favourite qualities in friends : loyalty, constancy, empathy

Main flaw : stubborn.

Favourite occupation : reading.

Idea of happiness : I don't believe in a constant state of happiness. For me happiness lies in moments, some can be very simple and quiet, others can be grand and filled with joy.

Idea of misery : the death of loved ones.

If not yourself , who would you be? Either a medieval monk or a revolutionary.

Favourite authors (prose ) : Jorge Luis Borges, Proust, Gide, Alejo Carpentier, Dan Simmons.

Favourite authors (poetry) : Jorges Luis Borges, Virgil, Baudelaire, Musset, Poe, Shakespeare. 

Favourite heroes in fiction : Don Quixote, Paul Atreides, Spike, Kurt Wallander.

How would you like to die : with my eyes wide open.

Present state of mind : contemplative.

For what flaw have you most understanding : impatience.

Favourite motto : carpe diem but don't harm anyone while doing it.

ETA: The point wasn't to make anyone try to justify themselves for not commenting enough. I don't blame anyone and as I said I totally understand that they can't comment on every post they read since I don't myself. I was just trying to analyze the way things work on LJ through my own window and thus poking my possible readers to know who they were, if they were there still, especially the lurkers who aren't on my flist but might be there nonethless, and the the ones from my flist who had never commented or who hadn't commented for months.

Comments

[jamalov29.livejournal.com]

You stole my meme !! And now all those people ( who are also on my f-list ) are answering in YOUR journal !!!! It's not fair !

What kind of behavior is that , I ask you??! I'm defriending you immediately.
Do you realize the importance of your CRIME?
I usually don't read your posts .. today I did but how I regret it!!!!!

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Oh beannie, don't be shy, let your hair down!

And if you believe yourself self-conscious about sharing your views on some topic I raise, just think of how awkward my posts in Enhlish are and of the silly coments I leave on your LJ.

And this post has never been about me defriending anyone for not commenting, only about trying to understand why they don't and about trying to know who still read my LJ. I'm certainly not defriending you, silly!

I just had to mettre les pieds dans le plat...

BTW your answer about your fav authors reminded me that I didn't post about the tv movie I saw the other day "Les amants du Flore". It was about Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoire, about the free relationship they had, but mostly about her.

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Ohlala!

I knew that the whole thing was a terrible faux-pas!

*cries*

[jamalov29.livejournal.com]

Now for the serious answer. :)
It's true that there are people on each f-list that never interact with us, I think. I don't know why. At the beginning there were a few comments and little by little people don't have anything to say.

But I'm pretty sure that I have commented , if not regularly, at least several times, on every LJ from that list. It's like calling people on the phone from time to time to say hi, it's like smiling to strangers in the street. And interactions suppose a bit of reciprocity sometimes. Absolutely. You know , I have no explanation. I mean.. yes there are people with a very busy life and a huge f-list but why never let a single comment ? There is no good excuse according to me.
And if so , why keeping someone they seem to have no interest in?
Like you I tried to say something to each and every person on my f-list. When those persons don't even take the time to answer , I give up.
Reciprocity : that's the key and if there isn't reciprocity and exchange, why bother ?

I believe that each journal has its regulars and it's like a small gathering. It's true that I try to comment on each post some of my close friends make ( do I need to say that I regard you as one of them? ) . Of course I skip some entries ( and they certainly do the same ), but the real interaction is here and heartfelt.

Nevertheless there are people who NEVER bother and that's a bit sad. Defriending them seems wise and healthy, but not easy to do.

You're right in saying that there are lurkers/ghosts and I do think that almsot everybody reads the entries on their f-list (I do ) but they don't take the time - for different reasons - to comment.

Je t'embrasse.
Tu ne m'en veux pas pour le premier commentaire?!!

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Welcome back btw!

I saw your post on Istanbul but didn't have time to comment then. As for being stared at by people, it's usual in countries from the Third World, especially for western women in Muslim countries or in countries where women aren't as free as we are. In India, not only they stare but they also wnat to take pictures of you as if you were some creature in a zoo!

It's annoying, I know. I even remember an evening in Istanbul where a bunch of young men we ran into (we were 4 women walking the streets past 10 pm)asked us "How much is it?" in Turkish (I could understand it then). I was furious.

But to be honest, when I was in Egypt I was also a bit shocked by certain outfits worn by European women, as if those tourists didn't want to acknowledge where they were just beacuse they were on holiday.

There's a balance to find for both the locals and the tourists.

[beanbeans.livejournal.com]

Aww. I am sorry, hon, and more than a little relieved that you will keep me. I'm all embarrassed now. *blush*

And your comments to me are NEVER silly! I'm always glad to see you on my LJ. :)

If you liked that film, I must highly reccommend that your read her auto-biography, Memoirs of a Dutiful Daughter. It's quite exceptional, as was she. :)

[jans-intentions.livejournal.com]

I have a fairly hefty flist and I like seeing what people post and what they are up to, even if they never comment on my stories or do it semi-regularly. Some make an exception only for stories they really like, so I may hear from them once every 8 months or something. I think it's interesting to know what they like.

I'm quite happy with my flist now. I had a run of fair weather friends/fakes in early January who either never friended me or unfriended me, and I've seen them squabble with others on lj since then, which makes me feel bad for their other victims, but in a way sort of makes it less personal. I'm not responsible for the crappy/user behavior of the people, so I can feel very unruffled by it, if that makes sense.

I am cleaning my lj now but I only remove people currently who have never friended me, or I put into a filter anyone who has a pattern of unpleasantness or whom I need a break from. I don't want to read someone continually ranting about bad fic or whatever, so if they do it, I can filter them now and never have to read them without unfriending them. I'm quite ruthless about it, but it's my lj time and I'm not going to spend it wallowing in unpleasantness.

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Hee and I even made up a new language in my comment, Enhlish that is!

I should be the one being embarrassed...

Yes she was a hell of a woman. She's buried just near my apartment in Montparnasse Cemetery, close to Sartre of course, but she was buried with the ring her American lover gave her...:- )

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Bien sûr que non!

*bisous*

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Yes I guess that having a huge flist your perception must be a bit different. Mine is quite small, so the constant lack of comment is usually obvious.

Besides since you mostly post fanfictions on your LJ you must expect people to not leave feedbacks about pairings they don't read (like me who's faithful to Spuffy and "almost" never reads Spike being paired with anyone else, simply because I can't).

But what about you? What makes you leave comment on other LJ?

I am cleaning my lj now but I only remove people currently who have never friended me, or I put into a filter anyone who has a pattern of unpleasantness or whom I need a break from.

I don't even know how filters work! Do I have filters on my free account (not that I'm planning to put anyone into a filter but you got me curious)?

I don't want to read someone continually ranting about bad fic or whatever, so if they do it, I can filter them now and never have to read them without unfriending them. I'm quite ruthless about it, but it's my lj time and I'm not going to spend it wallowing in unpleasantness.

I'm not sure I understand you here. Are you saying that even though you don't unfriend someone, you don't necessarily read them? So the lack of comments from you would be a clue then, wouldn't it?

Yes it's me being all egocentric again and a bit paranoid probably...

[sweet-lil-rach.livejournal.com]

Hee, surely if it's under a filter, you'd see it? You're on my FL! Unless I missed your name off one of them! Hmmmm ... Le shrug!

I think LJ works differently for different people. Kinda depends on what you and your friends use it for, I guess!

Wow, you have a lot of comments! Well provoked, m'dear! hehe! *hugs!*

[rahirah]

I'm one of the people who friend everyone back to be polite, In the early days I tried to read everyone on my flist, but it quickly became impossible.

I tend to read and comment most in the journals of people who are A) RL friends or people I've known across several internet fandoms B) people who are still actively posting about BtVS fandom, and C) people who comment in my journal. But a lot of the time, even when I'm only reading a small portion of my flist, I'm skimming desperately, trying to keep up, and there's no way I can answer every post I read.

[candlelightfrot.livejournal.com]

Now who are you again? *scratcheshead*

[rahirah]

Hm. I think the name 'friends list' is misleading. The vast majority of people on my flist friended me (I assume) to read fic. They rarely/never comment in my LJ, even to leave feedback, and I rarely/never comment in theirs. It's not that we hate each other or anything, it's just that our primary relationship is reader/author, not friend/friend. And that's OK.

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

:- P

[poshcat.livejournal.com]

Meep! I'm here. Most of the time I don't have the time or energy to comment on anybody's posts, but I do read everything. Even when I really enjoy what you're saying (I love your meta posts - and those lovely picspam posts, especially), sometimes it's easiest to keep quiet. I always comment in my head, does that count?

And...I have a filter, but never use it. I'm too worried I'm going to miss something good. :0)

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Very true.

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

*sends energy-filled vibes*

BTW Poshinette, can you explain to me what "meta" means?

There are still a few LJ words that I don't get...

[jamalov29.livejournal.com]

Oh yes a neat butt is definitely on my list too!

You mean like Spike's butt? I knew it, you little vixen ! ;-)

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

well, I wouldn't mind squeezing his, but when it comes to bottoms, I'm more into Mal's one (watch "Firefly" and you'll understand). He didn't get the nickname Captain Tightpants for nothing !

Spike has the most beautiful set of shoulders and a gorgeous back and so many other lovely features though.

[kazzy-cee.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about non comments - but I also find that sometimes I've friended someone because they asked me to ages ago, and I now find that I don't really have that much in common with them, but I'm not sure how to defriend without causing offence (boy, that was a looooooooooong sentence! LOL!).

I might do one of these posts and ask people if they want to defriend me....

[jans-intentions.livejournal.com]

I'm extremely tough now, Chani. Anyone who has been through what I have, either gets tough and skeptible, or isn't around. I'm also, very, very focused.

I comment frequently on other people's ljs. My closest friends obviously a lot.

Filters you'll have to ask Jape about, I don't begin to understand lj.

Yes, if the person hasn't heard from me in a long time, but it's pretty rare for me to do that. Someone has to go pretty far out. I'm very tolerant and I now ignore anything that doesn't interest me, so someone has to have pissed me off for this to happen.

Well, that's it, dear. Hope it was helpful.

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Oh I see even though I never really knew what happened to you, only guessed through posts I saw afterwards.

Btw, if you want to defriend me because you aren't interested in this lj, as I said above, it's okay, I understand.

I now guess that many people use filter or mutism instead of defriending because they are afraid of causing pain or of a verbal reaction, so they let things rot away in silence. I am not sure it's better actually.

Anyway, thanks for answering that post and helping me to see clearer in the LJ world.

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Yes I guess it's a sensitive matter...

[jans-intentions.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't dream of unfriending you, I do read your posts.

I don't know if it's better or worse to do that other than unfriending. I see it as keeping the door open.